Edited 3/10/15 to add: This post was from September 2013. At the time, I was not publicly naming my rapist. The name below, Brent, is a pseudonym. My rapist's real name is Ben, and I've detailed my experiences with him here. 

In my mission to be an authentic blogger and sexuality educator, I’ve focused a great deal on modeling vulnerability. I’ve written about being a sexual assault survivor, living with genital herpes, and my struggle with body confidence. However, one thing I have not discussed yet is my history of being bullied. I think it’s important that I share my experience, because it has had a huge impact on the person I am today. Until I was about 22, I always felt like an outsider. From elementary school until college, I never quite fit in. I had a few friends here and there, but I was teased daily by the rest of my peers. Even now, as I look at how far I’ve come, I still find myself surprised when people want to spend time with me. I’m thrilled, don’t get me wrong. And no one has treated me badly in years. My friends are kind, loyal, supportive, and loving.  But there is a part of me that is always afraid that I’ll say or do something to mess it up, or that my beloved sex geek community will suddenly decide that I’m not worthy to be part of the group. That fear stems from old scars. Here’s how I got them.

Sometimes consent is awkward. We live in a culture where people take certain liberties without asking permission. People are used to that. We’re used to having old Aunt Marge pinch our cheeks and leave lipstick smudges. When someone comes at us for a hug, sometimes we just grit our teeth and get through it instead of feeling comfortable saying “no.” Breaking out of that mold means asking first, and that’s a skill that requires practice.

I want people to know that it’s okay to struggle. It’s okay to have conflicting feelings about your body. Some days I love my body and feel confident, and some days I hate my body and avoid mirrors. It’s okay. The important thing is to recognize these patterns and notice the things that make you feel better about your body, and do that more!