I used to be completely intimidated by phone sex. I thought I would sound silly or that my partner wouldn't be turned on. I had a hundred excuses why phone sex was just "not for me." Until one day I said, "fuck it" and tried it. It was with a partner who I had been with for a while and I knew that if it didn't work out, he wouldn't hold it against me. We set aside time and had toys and lube at the ready. I even had notes in front of me so I could remember what he liked in case he got flustered. Turns out, I didn't even need them. After the initial "how exactly do we get started?" I began to feel better. I was just talking to my lover. He'd seen me naked! He's watched me clean up after sex and we've fought over who has to lay on the dreaded wet spot! There was nothing I was going to say that was going to ruin it. I just had to be myself. Five years later, I have men paying me to have phone sex with them.
5 Things I Learned From Phone Sex
or How to Create Intimacy from Far Away
1. Smile when you answer the phone.
This seems silly, but let me tell you--there is a huge difference between the way my voice sounds when my face is neutral and the way my voice sounds when I'm smiling. It changes the tone and sets the mood for the entire conversation.
2. Pay attention.
Here's the thing. If you're doing the dishes, or scooping the litter box, or folding laundry, that distraction comes across in conversation. Find a time to talk when you're not busy and you can give your full attention to the person on the phone. Imagine they're sitting next to you. You want people to look in your eyes when you talk, right? How can you look someone in the eyes when you're busy doing something else?
3. Try something new.
This is your chance to try something you might have been afraid to try in person. Always wanted to be tied up by never had the equipment? Secretly wanted to be fucked with a dildo but were afraid your partner wouldn't be down for it? This is the fantasy world where you create your own reality. Anything goes, and you can test out scenarios without having to deal with the real-world logistics.
4. Paint a picture.
Since your partner is far away, they can't feel your hands on them. You have to describe your actions and sensations in as much detail as possible. Are you getting aroused? Share the ways in which your body is responding. Maybe you feel an aching between your legs. Maybe your heart is pounding. This is all information that your partner should hear!
5. Express yourself
Make noise! Your partner can't see your face, so if something feels good--let them know! Since you're not in the same room, you don't have to worry if your face is turning red because you've never moaned out loud before. Positive reinforcement is important in any sexual interaction, but especially when you're on the phone. Moan, gasp, groan, grunt, whatever you feel! Or, (and this is equally important), if something isn't working for you, let your partner know! Say, "hey, that isn't really doing it for me, can we try XYZ instead?" You are collaborators in this intimate exchange, and it's vital to provide feedback!
Let me know what you think of these tips. I'd love to hear about your experiences with phone sex, whether you're just starting out or have been doing it for years. My goal is to create a safe and supportive space where we can all share our ideas, tips, and thoughts about anything related to sexuality and empowerment.
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