This post is adapted from a filtered Facebook post I made a few days ago. So many people responded that they'd felt the exact same way at various points in their lives (or at this very moment!) that I realized it should probably go public on the blog.
This article by Jess Zimmerman hit me right in the fucking feels. I have anxiety around having needs in a relationship (romantic or otherwise), because needs make me needy, and needy people don't stay in other people's lives for very long. If I want to talk to you and you're busy? I feel like I'm bothering you. If I want to hang out and you don't/can't? I'm being annoying. If I'm having big feelings (positive or negative)? I'm a burden.
CW in the article for heteronormativity, but this does track with experiences I've had in cis guy/girl pairings. I'd argue that it also applies to friendships/human relationships in general.
"The attention whore is every low-maintenance woman’s dark mirror: the void of hunger we fear is hiding beneath our calculated restraint. It doesn’t take much to be considered an attention whore; any manifestation of that deeply natural need to be noticed and attended to is enough. You don’t have to be secretly needy to worry. You just have to be secretly human.
As a child, on an endless restrictive regimen that started when I was four, I was told “if you get used to eating less, you’ll stop being so hungry.” The secret to satiation, to satisfaction, was not to meet or even acknowledge your needs, but to curtail them. We learn the same lesson about our emotional hunger: Want less, and you will always have enough." - Jess Zimmerman
This is one of my favorite poems. It is often read at wedding ceremonies. It's from Khalil Gibran On Marriage:
...But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.
Historically, I've had problems with expectations. I get excited about something, create grand sweeping expectations, and inevitably feel frustrated when the reality cannot come close to the fantasy I've envisioned. For the first time in my life, I had an experience that was even better in practice than what I had imagined in my brain. Seriously. We used 11 condoms in 24 hours. That's a personal record. We spent the entire weekend doing nothing but finding the answers to this question:
What would bring you the most pleasure in this moment?Read more
I love stoners. I love stoners the way I love cat people - they just get me. One common thread I've found among stoners is there seems to be a series of unwritten rules, a code of conduct, stoners just kind of understand. The following are my personal rules I've adopted and observed. What are some of yours?
In case you missed it, I had a stunningly awesome threesome on Wednesday you can read about here. Before we even got the threesome on the books, B and I had arranged a playdate during his trip to LA. I was lucky enough to fuck him twice in a week! Wooooo! Here are all details on this concupiscent encounter...Read more
I remember the heart pounding moment when I hit publish. It was raw, it was scary, and it was 100% the right decision. The soundness of my decision to name my rapist was reinforced repeatedly over the course of that first week. Each day that week (no exaggeration) I had a new email from someone who disclosed that they had also had an experience with Ben. Some were completed rapes, some were attempted rapes. All described unwanted and unwelcome behavior. It was powerful. It was validating--I suspected that if I named him, after the experience I had with Really Brave Person, that more people would come forward. I never expected so many. In total, there were 9, including myself.
*Trigger warning for references to sexual assault, PTSD, and depression. If you're a survivor, please check out my Survivor Resources post for books, sites, and hotlines*Read more